Annabelle- 1 Month Old

When I decided to begin writing about the adventures of becoming a new mom I had no idea how hard it would be to actually find the time to sit down and record my thoughts between diaper changes, feedings, tummy time, cleaning, etc...I have so many things I want to write about but at the end of the day when Tony comes home and he takes over for some daddy time, it's my turn to shower, finish household duties, and sometimes even sleep!

I am amazed how quickly this first month has gone and I wish I could put into words how wonderful these first few weeks have been. For those of you who are pregnant for the first time, I won't sugar coat it- the first 2 weeks are extremely difficult and it has nothing to do with taking care of the baby. So many friends warned me about the "baby blues" and I swore I'd be able to pray, quiet time, or worship my way through them, but when they hit they hit hard and I think it looks different for every woman. I never understood post partum and I praise the Lord I didn't go through post partum depression- but I now have a whole new appreciation for those of you who went through a difficult transition from pregnancy to motherhood due to hormones. For 2 weeks I was extremely emotional and it didn't help that I had to stop breast feeding because she had been losing weight. I think it's really hard to have a baby this time of year because you are pretty much quarantined to your home due to flu season and you're worried sick visitors will bring illness into your home. But I can honestly say that despite 2 weeks of being a little weepy, the Lord brought me joy and thanksgiving and this week I feel like a different woman.

We are very blessed to have a baby who sleeps a lot, cries very little, and already smiles at our silly songs and voices. Throughout my entire pregnancy I prayed over her and the little personality the Lord was creating in Annabelle. I asked for her to be a gentle spirit who brought joy to people and represented the beauty of life. Of course I asked for a good sleeper but even if she wasn't we'd still love her the same :-) We spend our share of nights together, sometimes for just a few moments in the darkness of her nursery after a 2am feeding or for a few hours in the living room rocking to sleep to the sound of cheesy infomercials or Full House reruns on Nick at Night that can only be found at 4am. It's amazing how sleep takes on a new defintion and how quickly you can wake up when you know this little life is depending on you for food and fresh diaper. I'm struggling with knowing when to begin putting her in the crib because I know she's ready, she sleeps 4 to 5 hours at a time at this point- but I don't know that I'm ready for that milestone. There's something so precious to waking up to her little sighs and coos she makes in her sleep in her bassinet and I think it's okay that we still want her by our side at night. I don't want to rush these first 3 months, time is too precious...

With 4 weeks under our belts I think we've finally gotten into a groove and the things I worried about have suddenly become second nature. I used to think these little babies were breakable, but they are actually quite bendy. I was worried about soft spots, umbilical cords falling off, constipation, sleepless nights, burping her too hard, and so many other things...but it's amazing how much you learn in 4 weeks and how resiliant these babies are to our trembling hands and sweaty palms throughout all the "firsts" that come with parenting. I have a feeling I will be trembling often throughout her life and all the firsts coming our way!

I finally had my 4 week check up with my doctor and I am healing nicely after Annabelle's dramatic entrance into the world, leaving me pretty torn up. I'm not sure which is worse, healing from all the tearing or a C Section, but the healing process has been quite intense. I'm finally allowed to do light cardio and get to start lifting weights in 2 weeks, oh, and she mentioned sex is okay in 2 weeks as well...YEAH RIGHT...our anniversary is June 9th- that sounds more like it...

Well, we've survived our first month without too many mistakes- I think we're going to make it! I am so excited for the months ahead and all the wonderful memories we're going to continue making as a family. Tony has been such a wonderful father and I love that she is his little "mini me"- they will be quite the pair as she grows up!

Congrats to all who are expecting your first- so many friends and family are expecting in the coming year and I am so excited for you all :-) I can't wait to hear about your experiences and your personal journey...keep me posted!

Mommyhood- Week 3

3 weeks ago today at this time, 2:00pm, I had just received my epidural and was feeling pretty good waiting to dialate just a few more centimeters. I remember the nurse coming in a checking me and telling me she could feel her head, and as she rubbed little Annabelle's head, the baby's heart rate picked up with excitement. I was so jealous she could touch her, that's all I'd wanted for 10 long months...

3 weeks later here I am, holding her close all day long and smelling her little head so clean with fresh baby shampoo and it's complete bliss. We fall asleep together for hours at a time in our rocking recliner and it's okay because there is nothing more important that I need to be doing. It's been a week since I made the decision to stop breast feeding and put her on formula and I was so nervous on our way to the doctor for her weekly weight check. I just wanted to hear she had put on a little weight- and praise the Lord, she went from 7lbs 3oz to a solid 8lbs in a week! I got a little teary eyed because I had desperately wanted my milk to be good enough, but the doctor assured me this was all normal and I could continue to pump and give her a little in her formula to keep my antibodies pumping through her system.

I realized that people don't tell you all the wonderful things that happen to your body in the weeks following delivery. For example, I can't sit down without the assistance of a donut shaped pillow to cushion my aching butt and crotch. Sometimes, after a warm shower, you'll think you're dry and then you'll realize you are leaking warm milk and there's nothing you can do to stop it so you just put on some pads and a new bra and move on. And baby weight, well sure, I lost 30 pounds in these first 3 weeks, but my stomach feels like an empty water balloon and that pesky dark line that appeared out of nowhere under my bellybutton around month 6 is still there in all it's glory. Oh, and don't put those maternity clothes away too soon- you will still be wearing your maternity jeans in the weeks following delivery.

This weekend Tony and I went out for the first time by ourselves since Annabelle was born while my parents watched her and it felt so strange. I kept calling to make sure she was doing okay and Tony and I talked about her most of the way to the restaurant. We had intended on going to the movies afterwards but ended up walking through Target rather quickly to pick up some formula and diapers and headed back to the house. And there she was, all ready for us, and we were ready to finish the evening as a family.

Today we are venturing out to go see Tony's parents in Florence and I admit I'm looking forward to a long drive and time with our families. In one week we get to start taking her to church and I'll be able to get her out a little more since she's put on weight and getting a little older. Things are getting easier each and every day and I'm getting more sleep than I ever imagined-she slept from 11pm until 7am last night! Her little outfits are starting to fit and she is beginning to stay awake longer during the day so we talk and interact more and more.

With each new challenge that comes our way there is a renewed sense of hope that I can do this and do it well with the help of those who have done this mommy thing before and those who are learning right along with you. In a few weeks I will look back and see how much she has grown and I want to make sure I am taking advantage of each moment we have together in these newborn days. I don't ever want to complain about sleepless nights or lazy days, early mornings or late feedings...soon enough I'll be getting more sleep than I want or need and I'll wish for those nights when we rocked and sang in the dim light of her nursery.

Annabelle, 2 Weeks Old

Well, we survived our first weekend of chaos, the weekend where your husband comes home from work with a temperature of 101 and can't be anywhere near the baby and your newborn is suddenly plagued by stomach aches and constipation. Praise the Lord for grandmothers, who in the blink of an eye, arrive at any hour of the night with their crazy sleepy hair and bags packed ready to take over for the exhausted mother on the brink of tears.

This weekend I had to make a very difficult decision to stop breast feeding and for some reason it was the hardest thing I've faced as a new mother. Annabelle weighed 7lbs 8 oz when she was born but has been losing weight since I began breast feeding so the doctor gave me some options in regards to supplementing my milk with formula. Apparently, my milk is the "light" or "diet" version of breast milk, meaning Annabelle isn't receiving nearly enough calories and wants to eat every 30 minutes to an hour. Leave it to me to have skim milk flowing through my body...

It has broken my heart to watch her lose weight and I took it personally that my body wasn't producing the nutrients she needs. For 10 months I did everything I could to provide for her and protect her, and she came out so healthy and perfect. To finally admit that it was time to move on to formula and let my milk dry up was heart wrenching and I spent most of the weekend going back and forth, crying and praying for a milk miracle. But then that warrior mother came out of me and reminded me my main focus right now is to make sure my daughter has what she needs, and if that means formula, that's what we have to do.

She's like a different baby now...she sleeps more sound and she's starting to fill out. I refuse to walk into that doctor's office yet again this week to hear she is losing weight. At first I felt like a failure, but the Lord has reminded me that this won't be the first time I have to make a decision on behalf of Annabelle's well being. There are going to be so many moments in life where I have to look beyond what I want, what I invisioned for my child, and for her best interest make a final decision- no questions asked, no stalling.

I've done things I never thought I'd do, for example, I actually put a thermometer up her butt to get her to poop since she's been constipated from the formula. And I didn't even want to throw up when it worked and came pouring out on everything, including me! I have had spit up shot down my shirt and I just clean myself up and keep going and I've learned how to remove stains from every article of clothing we own. It's amazing how little you can know about being a mom but how natural it all comes once they arrive.

I'm just now getting over the baby blues, those fantastic hormones that have you laughing one moment and sobbing the next. I have a little bit of cabin fever and wish more than anything I could get her out in her stroller for a good walk outside or to the mall. But being born in flu season means being quarantined for at least the first 6-8 weeks of life and I actually look forward to those mandatory doctor appointments that get us in the car for 10 minutes. Hillary comes over with Savannah and we have little play dates that are actually more for our good than for Annabelle and Savannah, but we need that adult conversation for our sanity. I find myself holding Annabelle for hours at a time, not wanting to put her down but needing to finish laundry or bottles for the next 24 hours. I suddenly don't have enough hands!

Life has changed for the better here at the Runion household, but it is definately a change that is taking time and patience to understand and comprehend. I feel like Annabelle has been here forever, but in reality it's only been a little over 2 weeks and Tony and I are learning everyday what it means to love and care for her. I admit moments of feeling inadequate, but I am challenged to be better each and every day and pray the Lord continues to give us wisdom with each new day. We won't be perfect parents, but I think it's okay to try, as long as we know it's okay to mess up once and awhile- she will forgive us, she won't even know, because she is loved.

This first week and a half of mommyhood has been indescribable, and if you were to ask me what has made it so dynamic or what I have actually "done" in these days at home with Annabelle there wouldn't be too much day to day excitement to report. Despite the lack of physical activity, there is a spiritual and emotional process that has been taking place in my heart that is paralyzing, a process that has me laughing one moment and crying the next as I look back over the past 10 months and this sudden shift from pregnancy to motherhood.

I wake up every morning to the bluest eyes I've ever seen, legs flailing about under her oversized sleeper and hands punching awkwardly in the air to let us know she is hungry and ready to start the day. Don't get me wrong, I spend plenty of time with her in the middle of the night. I am usually up at least once or twice to change a diaper, provide a midnight snack, or cure unwanted hiccups with a pacifier and extremely creative dance we do together in the darkness of her nursery. Tony will get up with her when I am too tired to move, quietly scooping her up from the bassinet beside our bed and whisking her away to a quiet place where he sings a song he made up just for Annabelle and then returns with her sound asleep. The crazy part is that I love to sleep, but when I have to get up with her I don't mind at all, because the moment she looks at me or snuggles close I forget what time it is and hold her as closely as I can to let her know she's safe.

I am beginning to understand why my mom sobbed her eyes out with each major milestone of my life. This love of a mother will bring out a warrior in anyone and a desire to protect the life of your child no matter what the cost. In just 12 days I have felt that momma cub begin to build up in me and I want to protect her from sickness, wet diapers, upset stomachs, and cold weather. She knows my voice, the difference between me and someone else holding her, and I would do whatever it took to ensure her safety and happiness. That's the beauty of knowing the Lord, trusting that He is ultimately her provider and protector and I don't have to fear the unknown because she is His.

Tony and I sit together in the evenings holding Annabelle in complete awe that this is our family, she is our daughter. We can't love her enough or hold her too often, she is changing so much everyday and before I know it thise beautiful time of sleepy newborn days will be replaced with homework, practices, and growing up. I can't cuddle too much or give her too many kisses, take too many pictures or give her too much attention, this time is so precious and I won't take a single second of it for granted.

And with that, she is stirring in her swing ready for her dinner and I am ready to spend the evening in front of the fire with the most precious gift on earth. I am so thankful the Lord has shown me the beauty of selflessness so I can give her everything and every part of me with joy and love. I am so blessed to have a husband who already shows the strength and power of a father who will also do whatever it takes to protect his daughter. I had no idea how amazing this first week and a half would be, and I am so excited to grow up with her :-)