Annabelle-9 Months Old

I have had such good intentions on keeping a good blog, but it seems like every time I sit down to record a thought I am interrupted by sweet little Annabelle and I put it off until the next day- and here I am, 3 months after my last blog. Thank you Lauren Brown for reminding me that people still visit my little blog- you gave me the much needed push to actually sit down, relax and reflect over the past 3 months of such big change in the Runion family household. So I am putting aside the laundry, dishes, wall paper peeling and dusting to do what I love to do most and don't do quite enough- write. Hold on, this could be a long one...

Annabelle is now 9 months old, 24.5 lbs and almost 30 inches long: needless to say I don't think we are going to have a prima ballerina in our house. Since August she has developed 3 new teeth that took FOREVER to come in and we can tell she is in pain based on sleepless nights and the bulk supply of Children's Motrin we have to buy as they are coming in. Sometimes I miss that gummy smile, teeth are just another reminder that our little baby is growing up.

I went back to work in August and teach part time this year which I LOVE so much. I spend Tuesdays and Fridays being a full time mom and the rest of the week with the sweetest children in Cincinnati as their gym teacher. I pray I can keep this type of schedule for years to come, it is a perfect balance of doing what I love as a professional and maintaining an organized household (sometimes organized :-) ). In the midst of all this we finally bought a house and closed mid October. We spent most of September packing up the apartment and preparing the new house for our family- this is a huge task but so rewarding! Hillary and Savannah come over and watch Annabelle when I work-what a beautiful and blessed situation to have my daughter's aunt and cousin with her while I'm away!

Annabelle started crawling in her new room right at 9 months and I almost started crying, it was a beautiful sight. Not that I want to rush these milestones, but to see her developing and growing so perfectly and responding to me as her mom and Tony as her dad, verbally acknowledging us when we walk into a room and coming to us for hugs- it's all so different from that little baby who could only communicate through smiles and cries. When she says "Mama" or "Dada" we both melt, at night as I rock her to sleep she pats my back like I have done to her since she was born and falls asleep with her head on my shoulder. That's another thing that has changed...she no longer wants to fall asleep being held like a baby, she likes to curl on my lap as close as she can get until she drifts off. It's crazy how time goes so quickly when all you want to do is savor each moment and lock it in time. I used to rush things, always look ahead at what was coming next- I don't do that much anymore.

She is eating table food now: grilled cheese sandwiches, grapes, pinto beans, watermelon, mashed potatoes, cheese- and I love seeing her little face when she tries something for the first time. We haven't given her anything sweet, probably won't until her first birthday, but baby food is slowly becoming a snack and she watches every bite we take as if saying, "give me some." And we do.

I didn't think the move would affect her but it rocked her little baby world and for a good week Tony and I didn't get much sleep. Her new room is very large and the whole house is so much bigger than her little cozy apartment. I couldn't expect her to automatically adjust so we let her sleep with us until she got comfortable, full well knowing we could be starting something but it's so heartwrenching to hear her cry in her crib. But for the past few nights she has been sleeping through the night, taking great naps and waking up happy.

I knew this would be a rather lengthy post, I promise to be more diligent in maintaining this blog so I can be more detailed without writing a novel. I have to say this is my favorite age, we laugh together, wrestle, she is so much fun. I am excited to write about her first major holidays coming up, I feel like my entire world is about to get more fun as we prepare for Christmas. I can't wait :-)

Annabelle is 6 months old!

Ahhh, nap time. It's such a lovely time of the day but I must hurry, you never know if this is just a cat nap or one of those glorious 2 hour naps.

6 months...I can't believe Annabelle is half a year old. I look through her earlier pictures and it's almost like I can't remember what she looked like or how she felt. I'm beginning to understand why some women go ahead and have baby number 2 so quickly. But at the same time I am so in love with this age and stage of her life that I look forward to waking each morning just to see what new things she will do. I had no idea I would love being a mom as much as I do

I've had to give myself a lot of grace in the past 6 months. I've had to forgive myself for being more selfish than I'd like to admit, I've had to ask for forgiveness from the Lord and those in my daily circle for not always being consistent in my communication or efforts to balance life as a daughter,mom, teacher, wife, and friend. I've learned to appreciate friends who are mothers and respect their amazing ability to finally find balance and I take silent notes on best practices. Sometimes I become extremely overwhelmed by the daunting task of being a mother and all the responsibility that comes with raising a daughter in the world today. Especially when I see teenage girls at the mall wearing their tiny skirts and carrying their flashy cell phones.

I feel more normal this month than ever before and it feels good. I am leading worship more often, I've joined the choir, I work out, and the beauty of it all is that I get to do it all with Annabelle. I now have this amazing little best friend who goes everywhere with me and it's so much fun. There are days during her long naps where I actually miss her and can't wait for her to wake up so we can play and read together and I love her more with each day she is in our lives. What amazes me is if I love her this much, how much greater is our Heavenly Father's love for us? No wonder He wants our constant attention, devotion, time...

I have loved every second of my summer break and when I look at Annabelle I know I am looking at a gift from God. I have no idea what the Lord is going to do with our family, what kinds of gifts and abilities He will give Annabelle, but I trust we are on the right path towards something great and exciting. In 6 short months I have been loved more than I could ever imagine and I've shown love in ways I've never known before. I am so thankful for the gift of motherhood, so grateful to be given such a beautiful responsibility.

I am probably the worst blogger EVER as it has been 2 months since my last post and in those 2 months our little girl has emerged from a delicate infant to a chubby, giggling, loving baby. I've spent the past 9 weeks finishing my school year and learning how to juggle both work and family. It hasn't always been easy, I had moments where I felt guilty for leaving her and looked forward to weekends where we could wake up together and snuggle in bed. Tony did such a great job getting up with her each morning. He made her bottles, gathered all her favorite blankets, and together they watched ESPN religiously followed by Regis and Kelly. Knowing she was with her dad until late morning and then with her great grandmother for the rest of the day made working much more tolerable and by the last day of school I really felt comfortable with my role as a working mom.

Annabelle is now almost 5 months old and each day I am amazed by her joyful heart and consistent temperment. From the moment she entered this world she has been the perfect example of what women pray for when they find out they are pregnant- she eats well, sleeps 12 hours a night, only cries when she's hungry, tired or wet, and is a little ahead of the game with her motor skills. This past week she started rolling onto her stomach and that has made my job a little more difficult because now I can't leave her alone in the room for even a second without putting her in the exersaucer or swing.

My sister Hillary and I get the girls together almost everyday to take them to the pool, shopping, and sometimes we just sit around the house playing and watching favorite reruns of those classic TGIF sitcoms we've both seen a million times. But the beauty of this summer, of this moment, is that I don't have to be in a hurry, I don't have to say goodbye every morning and that is why I won't take a moment of this summer for granted.

Tony and I have put a bid on a house in Lebanon and hope to hear something sooner than later but it's a short sale forclosure home so the process could take months. I am praying this is the house we have been waiting for because it would be amazing to finally have a space of our own big enough for our quickly growing family. The best part of this fall is that my sister is going to watch Annabelle when I go back to work and I can't tell you how good it feels to know she gets to spend each day with her aunt and cousin.

Well, I don't want to try and recap the past 9 weeks so I am going to try my hardest to be more consistent in updating this blog. I'm sure as Annabelle grows and begins doing things for the first time I will have more to write about. I am so thankful to have this time off with my family (and Tony is happy too because he doesn't have to get up early for awhile :-) ) and I plan on using every moment of it wisely!

Working Mom

I've been back to work now for almost 2 weeks and I will admit it has been easier than I expected. I will confess I had a major breakdown the Sunday before my first day back where I held onto Annabelle for dear life for about 3 hours and sobbed uncontrollably. It was just so hard to let go of the past 9 weeks and our first months together as a team, learning and growing together as a mommy and daughter. Even though I was ready to go back I had to grieve in my own way and acknowledge this new life of being a working mom and trusting the Lord would protect Annabelle when I wasn't able to.

We had decided we would be taking her to my friend's house for the next 8 weeks and I was very comfortable with that decision. However plans changed when my friend had a sick kid and my granny had to come over and be our replacement for a few days. Little did we know that Granny and Annabelle would become best friends in such a short amount of time and it was a beautiful sight to see the two of them laughing and playing together. I haven't seen my Granny come to life like that since her husband passed away and I knew Annabelle would be such a blessing to her. So we decided Granny would take care of her for the next 8 weeks and it has been wonderful for both of them as well as for Tony and I. Now I leave for work knowing she is going to be with her Great Granny and it's hysterical to come home and find them laying on the floor playing with toys and talking about just about everything. I'm pretty sure Annabelle will have a full vocabulary by the time she's 6 months old :-)

I feel like things are starting to fall into place as she gets older and I feel comfortable with my new routine. I'm still not sure how these super moms do it- work, come home to kids and clean, cook, and still wear a size 4. I keep trying to figure out a good workout time but everyday is a mystery so I get my workouts with the kids at school and take stairs everywhere I go. I keep a picture of myself on my camera when I was in the best shape of my life to keep me motivated, but the reality is that my hips are forever changed and I might as well take all those Express jeans to Plato's Closet and get some money.

The kids at school are funny about my return, constantly reminding me of how fat I was and asking where my baby went. They seem genuinely happy that I am back which has made returning so much easier and I look forward to seeing them each day. But when that clock hits 3:00 I am ready to run out the door and straight home because I know she is waiting for me and I love to see her smile when I walk in the door. From about 4:00 until bedtime we play, sing, take little cat naps, go for walks, and wait for Tony to come home so we can watch our favorite shows and then settle down for the night. It's amazing how quickly a 9 week old adapts to a routine and I am so thankful she loves to sleep!

There are moments I wish I could be with her every waking moment but I trust the Lord is protecting her and these moments she gets to spend with Tony in the morning and her great granny throughout the day are irreplaceable and she will grow from them. She is getting smarter by the day and I know it's because she is healthy and happy and that makes getting up every morning so easy. Prayerfully I will be able to stay home with her more when she is older and remembers our time together, but for now I work so that can be an option one day. For now she is with Granny and I know it is for the best...for everyone.

A Change is in the Air

These past 9 weeks have been intense, my first week of maternity leave waiting in anticipation and uncertianty of what was coming my way, and these past eight filled with so much joy and love I can't even begin to put them into words. I knew it would go quickly and that before I knew it I would be going back to work even though my mind wasn't ready to comprehend what that meant. I knew I loved Annabelle before she came into the world, but now that she's here that love is so much stronger than I can express so the thought of leaving her for any amount of time makes me sad.

Around the 5th week of maternity leave I knew I wasn't necessarily the stay at home mom type. I could definately see myself working part time but I knew I needed to work because I truly enjoy what I do. Teaching is probably the best job to have if you want to work and raise a family and the Lord has provided me with an amazing job teaching Physical Education surrounded by wonderful Christian teachers and families. The nice part about Tony and I's situation is that he will drop her off at 9:30am and I will pick her up at 3:30pm so she gets to spend the morning with her daddy and 6 hours later she will be with me. I am leaving her with one of my best friends, a wonderful mother who treats Annabelle like her own, so my sadness although validated, is overshadowed by a thankful heart for this woman who will bless my child for the next 9 weeks.

Annabelle is proving to be a very smart baby and is showing us all sorts of personality reflecting both Tony and myself. During my pregnancy I would pray over Annabelle the entire drive downtown to school, asking the Lord for all sorts of things but mostly for good health and safe delivery. But I also prayed she would have a gentle spirit and reflect the peace of God and it's amazing how the Lord gave us a little girl so calm, happy, and gentle. Don't get me wrong, she has a temper that will make you laugh because it's so funny to see something so little get so mad over something so quickly. But when I put her to bed at night I am so thankful the Lord gave me a daughter already showing the Fruits of the Spirit and I continue to pray those over her each night as I rock her to sleep.

In the middle of the all this madness of raising a newborn we are also house hunting which has proven to be frustrating and disappointing making me want to stay holed up in our luxery apartment until the rapture. We have the best apartment in the world but are outgrowing it rapidly as toys, swings, and baby gear take over our living space. Every house we look at we question child care options, schooling, church, driving distance to work, and neither Tony or I have ever had to worry about those things when picking a place to live. He was either traveling with baseball 8 months out of the year and I don't think I ever stayed anywhere longer than a year to have to worry about it. Every house we have liked and actually attempted to purchase was snatched up just before we could make a bid and it has been so stupid...for example, just yesterday we found out that a house we put a bid on and actually had a great chance of getting we lost because someone came in and offered them CASH for the house...ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? Who pays cash for a house???

But the Lord is in control, we know this in our spirits, it's my crazy flesh and all these hormones pumping through my body that want to get worked up and go egg the house once the new owners move in. I'm kidding- I completely trust our house is out there, or a piece of land for us to build on, we just have to be patient and believe in the perfect timing of our Lord.

Well, it's been a great 9 weeks and every prayer and been answered in regards to the end of my pregnancy, delivery, and the first weeks that come with new parenting. I am so thankful we were able to have this time together and I am looking forward to the summer break I pray comes quickly. I am looking forward to seeing the kids at school and spending the warm days of spring outside playing games and celebrating the end of the year- but the best part of my day will be seeing her face at 3:30.

I think we're finally starting to get the hang of this parenting thing. Don't get me wrong, we're still learning something new everyday and having "aha" moments where you're so thankful this little baby won't remember our stupid mistakes. For example, the other day I was on a cleaning spree through the house and took a break and feed Annabelle. Since she has a tendancy to spit up I have spit up cloths laying in each room so I can grab one if I need it. Well this time she spit up more than usual and it was going all over her outfit so I reached for a burp cloth and began wiping her mouth and not just dabbing, really getting as much as I could only to realize I was wiping her mouth with the dusting rag and not her nice clean cloth...and then I panicked and called my mom to find out if I had poisoned our child.

So needless to say we are experimenting with diapers, formula, generic, name brand, bedtimes, bathtimes, feeding times, it's all brand new! Last Thursday was her doctor's appointment and they have her 1 shot and I cried as she screamed and then they put her in my arms to comfort her. Within 2 minutes of holding her and singing "Jesus Loves Me" softly in her ear she was smiling and falling asleep while tears continued to pour down my face. This mommyhood thing will turn you from a tough independent woman into a mushy, sappy, teary mom who would rather get 10 shots than watch her child get just 1.

She's becoming more and more like a little person and not a little doll I change, feed, and burp 24/7. She smiles at me and really knows what she's smiling at and laughs in her sleep which makes my heart soar because it gives me a glimpse into the future when we'll laugh together at movies, funny stories from her day, and silly embarrassing moments we're share. We play peek a boo, sing songs, lay on the floor to play with her toys, and fall asleep together on the couch during our favorite shows. I had no idea she would change so quickly and I don't take a single day for granted as I watch her grow.

Now that the weather is warming up we have taken her to church, Hillary and Savannah come over and take them for walks in their strollers, and I'm looking forward to the summer when we get to spend the days at the pool and time with our families. With each day I am learning how to be a better mother and Tony is amazing as he supports me as a mom and effortlessly adjusts to fatherhood. We are able to sit on the couch as a family and watch TV and go for drives with her happily strapped in her carseat watching the world go by. And even now as I write this she is kicking freely in her boppy next to me watching American Idol and smiling, I'm not sure what she's smiling at but it doesn't matter, she's just so happy!

Annabelle will be 8 weeks old when I go back to school to finish the school year. It's bittersweet, but I will anticipate picking her up everyday at 3:30, ready to see her little face. And 9 weeks later I will start summer break and we will get to spend everyday together once again- I think that's why it's a little easier to go back.

We are loving us some Annabelle these days and we couldn't be happier as a family...the Lord has blessed us abundantly and I am so thankful for these 6.5 weeks!

Annabelle- 1 Month Old

When I decided to begin writing about the adventures of becoming a new mom I had no idea how hard it would be to actually find the time to sit down and record my thoughts between diaper changes, feedings, tummy time, cleaning, etc...I have so many things I want to write about but at the end of the day when Tony comes home and he takes over for some daddy time, it's my turn to shower, finish household duties, and sometimes even sleep!

I am amazed how quickly this first month has gone and I wish I could put into words how wonderful these first few weeks have been. For those of you who are pregnant for the first time, I won't sugar coat it- the first 2 weeks are extremely difficult and it has nothing to do with taking care of the baby. So many friends warned me about the "baby blues" and I swore I'd be able to pray, quiet time, or worship my way through them, but when they hit they hit hard and I think it looks different for every woman. I never understood post partum and I praise the Lord I didn't go through post partum depression- but I now have a whole new appreciation for those of you who went through a difficult transition from pregnancy to motherhood due to hormones. For 2 weeks I was extremely emotional and it didn't help that I had to stop breast feeding because she had been losing weight. I think it's really hard to have a baby this time of year because you are pretty much quarantined to your home due to flu season and you're worried sick visitors will bring illness into your home. But I can honestly say that despite 2 weeks of being a little weepy, the Lord brought me joy and thanksgiving and this week I feel like a different woman.

We are very blessed to have a baby who sleeps a lot, cries very little, and already smiles at our silly songs and voices. Throughout my entire pregnancy I prayed over her and the little personality the Lord was creating in Annabelle. I asked for her to be a gentle spirit who brought joy to people and represented the beauty of life. Of course I asked for a good sleeper but even if she wasn't we'd still love her the same :-) We spend our share of nights together, sometimes for just a few moments in the darkness of her nursery after a 2am feeding or for a few hours in the living room rocking to sleep to the sound of cheesy infomercials or Full House reruns on Nick at Night that can only be found at 4am. It's amazing how sleep takes on a new defintion and how quickly you can wake up when you know this little life is depending on you for food and fresh diaper. I'm struggling with knowing when to begin putting her in the crib because I know she's ready, she sleeps 4 to 5 hours at a time at this point- but I don't know that I'm ready for that milestone. There's something so precious to waking up to her little sighs and coos she makes in her sleep in her bassinet and I think it's okay that we still want her by our side at night. I don't want to rush these first 3 months, time is too precious...

With 4 weeks under our belts I think we've finally gotten into a groove and the things I worried about have suddenly become second nature. I used to think these little babies were breakable, but they are actually quite bendy. I was worried about soft spots, umbilical cords falling off, constipation, sleepless nights, burping her too hard, and so many other things...but it's amazing how much you learn in 4 weeks and how resiliant these babies are to our trembling hands and sweaty palms throughout all the "firsts" that come with parenting. I have a feeling I will be trembling often throughout her life and all the firsts coming our way!

I finally had my 4 week check up with my doctor and I am healing nicely after Annabelle's dramatic entrance into the world, leaving me pretty torn up. I'm not sure which is worse, healing from all the tearing or a C Section, but the healing process has been quite intense. I'm finally allowed to do light cardio and get to start lifting weights in 2 weeks, oh, and she mentioned sex is okay in 2 weeks as well...YEAH RIGHT...our anniversary is June 9th- that sounds more like it...

Well, we've survived our first month without too many mistakes- I think we're going to make it! I am so excited for the months ahead and all the wonderful memories we're going to continue making as a family. Tony has been such a wonderful father and I love that she is his little "mini me"- they will be quite the pair as she grows up!

Congrats to all who are expecting your first- so many friends and family are expecting in the coming year and I am so excited for you all :-) I can't wait to hear about your experiences and your personal journey...keep me posted!

Mommyhood- Week 3

3 weeks ago today at this time, 2:00pm, I had just received my epidural and was feeling pretty good waiting to dialate just a few more centimeters. I remember the nurse coming in a checking me and telling me she could feel her head, and as she rubbed little Annabelle's head, the baby's heart rate picked up with excitement. I was so jealous she could touch her, that's all I'd wanted for 10 long months...

3 weeks later here I am, holding her close all day long and smelling her little head so clean with fresh baby shampoo and it's complete bliss. We fall asleep together for hours at a time in our rocking recliner and it's okay because there is nothing more important that I need to be doing. It's been a week since I made the decision to stop breast feeding and put her on formula and I was so nervous on our way to the doctor for her weekly weight check. I just wanted to hear she had put on a little weight- and praise the Lord, she went from 7lbs 3oz to a solid 8lbs in a week! I got a little teary eyed because I had desperately wanted my milk to be good enough, but the doctor assured me this was all normal and I could continue to pump and give her a little in her formula to keep my antibodies pumping through her system.

I realized that people don't tell you all the wonderful things that happen to your body in the weeks following delivery. For example, I can't sit down without the assistance of a donut shaped pillow to cushion my aching butt and crotch. Sometimes, after a warm shower, you'll think you're dry and then you'll realize you are leaking warm milk and there's nothing you can do to stop it so you just put on some pads and a new bra and move on. And baby weight, well sure, I lost 30 pounds in these first 3 weeks, but my stomach feels like an empty water balloon and that pesky dark line that appeared out of nowhere under my bellybutton around month 6 is still there in all it's glory. Oh, and don't put those maternity clothes away too soon- you will still be wearing your maternity jeans in the weeks following delivery.

This weekend Tony and I went out for the first time by ourselves since Annabelle was born while my parents watched her and it felt so strange. I kept calling to make sure she was doing okay and Tony and I talked about her most of the way to the restaurant. We had intended on going to the movies afterwards but ended up walking through Target rather quickly to pick up some formula and diapers and headed back to the house. And there she was, all ready for us, and we were ready to finish the evening as a family.

Today we are venturing out to go see Tony's parents in Florence and I admit I'm looking forward to a long drive and time with our families. In one week we get to start taking her to church and I'll be able to get her out a little more since she's put on weight and getting a little older. Things are getting easier each and every day and I'm getting more sleep than I ever imagined-she slept from 11pm until 7am last night! Her little outfits are starting to fit and she is beginning to stay awake longer during the day so we talk and interact more and more.

With each new challenge that comes our way there is a renewed sense of hope that I can do this and do it well with the help of those who have done this mommy thing before and those who are learning right along with you. In a few weeks I will look back and see how much she has grown and I want to make sure I am taking advantage of each moment we have together in these newborn days. I don't ever want to complain about sleepless nights or lazy days, early mornings or late feedings...soon enough I'll be getting more sleep than I want or need and I'll wish for those nights when we rocked and sang in the dim light of her nursery.

Annabelle, 2 Weeks Old

Well, we survived our first weekend of chaos, the weekend where your husband comes home from work with a temperature of 101 and can't be anywhere near the baby and your newborn is suddenly plagued by stomach aches and constipation. Praise the Lord for grandmothers, who in the blink of an eye, arrive at any hour of the night with their crazy sleepy hair and bags packed ready to take over for the exhausted mother on the brink of tears.

This weekend I had to make a very difficult decision to stop breast feeding and for some reason it was the hardest thing I've faced as a new mother. Annabelle weighed 7lbs 8 oz when she was born but has been losing weight since I began breast feeding so the doctor gave me some options in regards to supplementing my milk with formula. Apparently, my milk is the "light" or "diet" version of breast milk, meaning Annabelle isn't receiving nearly enough calories and wants to eat every 30 minutes to an hour. Leave it to me to have skim milk flowing through my body...

It has broken my heart to watch her lose weight and I took it personally that my body wasn't producing the nutrients she needs. For 10 months I did everything I could to provide for her and protect her, and she came out so healthy and perfect. To finally admit that it was time to move on to formula and let my milk dry up was heart wrenching and I spent most of the weekend going back and forth, crying and praying for a milk miracle. But then that warrior mother came out of me and reminded me my main focus right now is to make sure my daughter has what she needs, and if that means formula, that's what we have to do.

She's like a different baby now...she sleeps more sound and she's starting to fill out. I refuse to walk into that doctor's office yet again this week to hear she is losing weight. At first I felt like a failure, but the Lord has reminded me that this won't be the first time I have to make a decision on behalf of Annabelle's well being. There are going to be so many moments in life where I have to look beyond what I want, what I invisioned for my child, and for her best interest make a final decision- no questions asked, no stalling.

I've done things I never thought I'd do, for example, I actually put a thermometer up her butt to get her to poop since she's been constipated from the formula. And I didn't even want to throw up when it worked and came pouring out on everything, including me! I have had spit up shot down my shirt and I just clean myself up and keep going and I've learned how to remove stains from every article of clothing we own. It's amazing how little you can know about being a mom but how natural it all comes once they arrive.

I'm just now getting over the baby blues, those fantastic hormones that have you laughing one moment and sobbing the next. I have a little bit of cabin fever and wish more than anything I could get her out in her stroller for a good walk outside or to the mall. But being born in flu season means being quarantined for at least the first 6-8 weeks of life and I actually look forward to those mandatory doctor appointments that get us in the car for 10 minutes. Hillary comes over with Savannah and we have little play dates that are actually more for our good than for Annabelle and Savannah, but we need that adult conversation for our sanity. I find myself holding Annabelle for hours at a time, not wanting to put her down but needing to finish laundry or bottles for the next 24 hours. I suddenly don't have enough hands!

Life has changed for the better here at the Runion household, but it is definately a change that is taking time and patience to understand and comprehend. I feel like Annabelle has been here forever, but in reality it's only been a little over 2 weeks and Tony and I are learning everyday what it means to love and care for her. I admit moments of feeling inadequate, but I am challenged to be better each and every day and pray the Lord continues to give us wisdom with each new day. We won't be perfect parents, but I think it's okay to try, as long as we know it's okay to mess up once and awhile- she will forgive us, she won't even know, because she is loved.

This first week and a half of mommyhood has been indescribable, and if you were to ask me what has made it so dynamic or what I have actually "done" in these days at home with Annabelle there wouldn't be too much day to day excitement to report. Despite the lack of physical activity, there is a spiritual and emotional process that has been taking place in my heart that is paralyzing, a process that has me laughing one moment and crying the next as I look back over the past 10 months and this sudden shift from pregnancy to motherhood.

I wake up every morning to the bluest eyes I've ever seen, legs flailing about under her oversized sleeper and hands punching awkwardly in the air to let us know she is hungry and ready to start the day. Don't get me wrong, I spend plenty of time with her in the middle of the night. I am usually up at least once or twice to change a diaper, provide a midnight snack, or cure unwanted hiccups with a pacifier and extremely creative dance we do together in the darkness of her nursery. Tony will get up with her when I am too tired to move, quietly scooping her up from the bassinet beside our bed and whisking her away to a quiet place where he sings a song he made up just for Annabelle and then returns with her sound asleep. The crazy part is that I love to sleep, but when I have to get up with her I don't mind at all, because the moment she looks at me or snuggles close I forget what time it is and hold her as closely as I can to let her know she's safe.

I am beginning to understand why my mom sobbed her eyes out with each major milestone of my life. This love of a mother will bring out a warrior in anyone and a desire to protect the life of your child no matter what the cost. In just 12 days I have felt that momma cub begin to build up in me and I want to protect her from sickness, wet diapers, upset stomachs, and cold weather. She knows my voice, the difference between me and someone else holding her, and I would do whatever it took to ensure her safety and happiness. That's the beauty of knowing the Lord, trusting that He is ultimately her provider and protector and I don't have to fear the unknown because she is His.

Tony and I sit together in the evenings holding Annabelle in complete awe that this is our family, she is our daughter. We can't love her enough or hold her too often, she is changing so much everyday and before I know it thise beautiful time of sleepy newborn days will be replaced with homework, practices, and growing up. I can't cuddle too much or give her too many kisses, take too many pictures or give her too much attention, this time is so precious and I won't take a single second of it for granted.

And with that, she is stirring in her swing ready for her dinner and I am ready to spend the evening in front of the fire with the most precious gift on earth. I am so thankful the Lord has shown me the beauty of selflessness so I can give her everything and every part of me with joy and love. I am so blessed to have a husband who already shows the strength and power of a father who will also do whatever it takes to protect his daughter. I had no idea how amazing this first week and a half would be, and I am so excited to grow up with her :-)

Our Little Miracle!

I've been meaning to catch everyone up since returning home Monday from the hospital, but between sleep deprivation, breast feeding, and not wanting to put Annabelle down for one second it's been hard to keep up with communicating with the outside world.

As many of you already know, Annabelle was born last Saturday, January 24th at 7:58pm at The Christ Hospital. The Lord is so faithful in His promises, in reassuring us that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us, but He won't put more on us than we can bear. For the past month I have been praying for a safe and healthy delivery, and it seemed with every doctors visit I was getting news that pointed towards a late delivery and possible induction, which could result in an emergency C Section. So with every prayer I gave the Lord this final stage of my pregnancy, asking Him to let His will be done, praying for our doctors, nurses, and every hand who would have a part in the labor and delivery.

After a huge dinner at the Melting Pot last Friday night Tony and I went back home and spent the evening simply enjoying being home and talking about the exciting events coming our way. The doctor had scheduled our induction for Super Bowl Sunday and we were prepared for another week of waiting. We went to bed and I felt no different than usual, peeing every hour on the hour and waking up with a foot embedded in it's favorite rib. At 5am I got up for my hourly bathroom break and the moment I entered the bathroom my water broke! I called for Tony who had the car warmed, dog walked, and bags organzied all before I had chance to even get off the toilet or call my doctor, and we were on our way to the hospital.

In between contractions we were sitting in silence, holding hands, running a few red lights when needed. I think it hit us at the same time that this was our last car ride as "Tony and Natalie," from now on a little girl would be sitting behind us and it was scary and exhilerating all at the same time. Arriving at the ER, January 24th became a whirl wind of wheelchairs, doctors, nurses, strange machines, and lots of family and friends. It was also a day of the Lord showing His faithfulness, character, and love for human life as He entered that room with us and held our hand throughout the entire process.

Every small complication that occurred was fixed, Annabelle switched positions at the perfect time so I could get an epidural around 6cm and finally take a break from all the pain. The labor was textbook as I dialated quickly, our nurse was truly heaven sent, and I was my doctor's only patient. I started pushing at 6:30pm and she came an hour and half later weighing 7lbs 8oz and 20.5 inches long.

When she came out she came out with passion and suprised us all by arriving a few pushes early, and when they put her on my chest I was so overwhelmed I could barely speak and had no idea what to say to her. All I could do was tell her how happy I was to meet her and how much her mommy and daddy loved her as she squealed and kicked looking around in complete awe.

Tony and I spent 2 nights in the hospital with Annabelle because I had to heal from the wounds of delivery. She came out so fast I was left with several level 3 tears which resulted in over an hour of stitching and now a lot of pain as I heal. But she was worth it all and it has been amazing to spend these quiet nights alone with my husband and daughter as we all get to know each other better and better.

I am exhausted, I have done things I never knew I could do- like delivering a baby, breastfeeding, changing dirty diapers without dry heaving, and waking up in complete joy despite true exhaustion. Her cries don't scare me, they only make me want to find out how to make whatever is wrong right, and when she looks at me I know she is all mine and that reality is both terrifying and empowering.

Tony is an amazing father, getting up with her in the middle of the night and rocking her back to sleep so I can rest up before the next feeding. She looks so much like him, the only part of me she has is my dimples and mouth, but the rest is all Runion. He is such a natural and I find myself loving our new family more than I ever imagined possible.

Looking back over the past week, I can't believe she is here, and yet I don't know why I am always suprised when the Lord answers prayer. I am prepared to make mistakes but not afraid to try and be the best mom God has called me to be, because before she is mine she is His and He will take good care of Annabelle and her new mommy and daddy.

I hope to keep this blog alive weekly, although I'm learning the time I used to have is now filled with feedings, pumpings, cleanings, and other new duties I didn't know existed, so Facebook and blogging might have to take a backseat for a few weeks. Thank you to all our family and friends who have been so amazing in their prayers, words of encouragement, and little emails sent over the past week. The wisdom of those who have done this before is priceless and I hope everyone knows how important all those little nuggets really do help in moments of uncertainty when I have no idea how to make the crying stop don't know how to get spit up out of sleepers.

The Lord is good and we give Him all the praise for bringing Annabelle safely into this world. She is a true reflection of love and I am forever grateful to God for choosing Tony and I to be Annabelle's parents.

Annabelle Margaret

Tomorrow morning I go to the doctor where I hope he gives me good news--and by good news I mean he sends me to the hospital immediately after my appointment because I have miraculously dialated to a suitable number, smiling nurses meet me at the door with loads of drugs, and Annabelle appears in all her glory a mere few hours later weighing less than 9 pounds. Please just go with me on this, I am fully aware of reality but I'm allowed to dream...

These final days of waiting have also been very enlightening as I finish up last minute personal projects and spend quiet evenings alone with Tony. We have been together almost 5 years, married a little over a year and a half and during this time have thoroughly enjoyed our time as a couple. I remember our trip to Gatlinburg in June when I was only 9 weeks pregnant and waking up one morning to the realization it would be our last trip as a couple- the next vacation to Gatlinburg or anywhere would be a "family" trip. It felt so good to know we had no regrets, that we were ready to share our lives and teach our child the beauty of independence, dreams, adventure, and what it meant to truly be part of a family.

We have named Annabelle after our grandmothers, Anna Runion and Margaret Thomas, 2 extraordinary women who loved the Lord and their families passionately. Both were God fearing women who served everyone around them and prayed endlessly that their children would not only know the Lord but be known by Him and share His Word in life and ministry. Growing up Annabelle will know she has been named after two strong Christian women who never stopped trusting, serving, believing, and living in His faithfulness.

This may be my last blog before Annabelle Margaret makes her appearance so I thank you for your continued prayers and words of encouragement in these final days. I am excited, anxious, nervous, and a little intimidated to meet this little girl who has been growing inside of me for the past 10 months. I can't even imagine how amazing it will be to actually see her, to hold her, to know she is ours and safe in her new home with two parents who have been praying and interceding for her for so long.

We will be blogging and keeping Facebook up to date from the hospital as much as we can, I guess it all depends on how well those drugs are working :-)

The Waiting Game

Annabelle is due a week from today so I am on a mission to do as much as I can before she arrives. I wake up in the middle of the night with this insane desire to clean, organize things, and start packing boxes to prepare for a move still months away. The doctor said she's ready to go, it's just a waiting game at this point, so get done what you can and know she'll come when she's ready. But what about me? He's estimating an 81/2 pound baby, possibly 9 pounds if she arrives on time. If she decides to hang out in the warmth of the womb for another 2 weeks I am afraid I'll be giving birth to a small man child!

I admit I'm trying a few little tricks to coax her out, just so I can say I tried. I'm drinking Red Raspberry Leaf Tea, taking long walks, but that's where I draw the line. At the beginning of this pregnancy we had a scare and the ER doctors told me this wasn't a viable pregnancy and were minutes away from terminating this baby. Thankfully my OB believed so much in human life he was able to see it was all a mistake and sent me home where hours later we found out this pregnancy was not only viable, but a miracle! I spent 48 hours in constant prayer as we waited for test results and in those hours the Lord showed me I am completely out of control of this entire process. From conception this child was not mine and I can't control what the Lord has had planned from the beginning of time. So, I trust He will bring her to us in His timing, and the labor and delivery will be perfect because He brought her home, not a bunch of crazy midwife tales!

This was my last week teaching PE and as they played I watched their little personalities closely, wondering what kind of child Annabelle is going to be. Will she be the delicate little ballerina type who runs her laps delicately around the gym, telling her friends to pass her because she doesn't want to be too tired for dance class later that night. Will she be outgoing, running uninhibited throughout the gym oblivious to those around her, just happy to finally be out of a desk and free to run as fast as she can? You have to laugh at them as they come in with their messy hair, chapped lips, telling you stories from their day ranging from loosing a tooth to what they had for lunch. As I was contemplating all of this, one of the youngest little girls climbed into my lap and touched my face and said, "Mrs. Runion, your little girl is going to look just like you with your long eyelashes and gold makeup." And then she brought her finger up to my eye, brushed off some gold eyeshadow I was wearing and put it on her eyelid and ran off to finish playing.

It was in that moment I knew it didn't matter what kind of child Annabelle would be; athlete, dancer, artist, musician, whatever, she is going to be the best of Tony and me with a spirit filled with passion for God and a heart for the lost. Leave it to a 5 year old to put some things in perspective and in a matter of seconds put your mind at ease that all a little girl wants is to be held, loved, protected, and occassionally allowed to wear her mom's makeup. What an amazing gift to be given, what an awesome responsibility, what a priviledge to be trusted with life! And she is worth the wait!

A New Journey

We are having a baby in 10 days...well, we're due to have little Annabelle in 10 days but it appears these little bundles of joy don't actually come into the world until they decide. 10 months ago both my sister and I found out we were pregnant, she was 5 weeks ahead of me and we embarked upon this adventure like the blind leading the blind. You can read all the books you want, talk to every pregnant woman or mother on your block, but once you pee on that stick and then pee on 5 other sticks just to make sure you aren't losing your mind, a reality sets in that cannot be explained.

Now, 39 weeks later, still working and carrying around a small toddler in my stomach, I am just waiting for her arrival. I remember after finding out I was pregnant this feeling of panic swept over me. I didn't question our ability to be good parents, I was so excited to tell Tony the news, I wasn't worried about gaining weight (well, a little) or stretch marks or morning sickness. What freaked me out is that I realized that what goes in, must come out. However the Lord, in all His goodness, knew what He was doing making this a 10 months process because I can honestly say I no longer fear labor and delivery or words like "epidural" and "dialation." I am so ready to get this child out of me I am actually anticipating pain to prove something is happening to move this along.

Since May I have been talking to Annabelle, singing to her, reading her stories, she already recognizes Tony's voice and begins moving excitedly when she hears him enter a room. I have spent many nights praying over her, listening to worship music, asking the Lord to give her a heart for Him and a sweet spirit that will minister to people even in her earliest days. We are ready to meet her, to see those little feet that have been pushing into my ribcage for well over 2 months and actually hear those hiccups that I've been feeling late at night in bed. We are ready to be the parents the Lord has called us to be and that excitement overrides any fears or feelings of inadequacy.

I wanted to start blogging as part of my daily journaling and quiet time because I know how important the words of others have been to me in the past 2 years of getting engaged, married, and then pregnant. It is so wonderful to hear the stories of those I love and trust and see how God is moving in their families, watching families grow and sharing moments of laughter, vulnerability, and encouragement.

Tony and I are so thankful for your prayers and I am excited to document my first year as a mother with those who want to be part of this journey with us. I will need all the advice, help, and support I can get from those of you who have gone before me! Here we go, it's going to be an incredible ride...